not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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