It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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