This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
