I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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