someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
