remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
where does the pee come out of this thing
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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