So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i dont even know how to be here
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
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