I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
