you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
