I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
