I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
