Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
