Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
