Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
