god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
