I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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