Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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