How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
