If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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