If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
