someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
