Pants 0. Shit 1.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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