so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
