i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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