I'd wear matching sweaters with you
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Randomize
