He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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