I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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