Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
