I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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