I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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