Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
