Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
