I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
