you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
