Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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