it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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