We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The air was thick with penises
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
