i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize