Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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