Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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