I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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