to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
