This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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