I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize