i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
