I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i've created a new STD.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
