in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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