I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
