You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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