I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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