I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
