If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
