he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
