I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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