Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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