he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
